Get Out Of My Way, Fear!

girl running

I’m super excited to share with you how over these last few months I have come to a greater understanding of my identity in Christ. Seems silly doesn’t it? I’ve been a Christian for just shy of 16 years, plus I grew up in a Christian family, and yet I’ve only just now come to know and understand what it means to have my identity rooted in Christ. But it’s true, and the freedom from learning how to walk in my identity as a DAUGHTER of the MOST HIGH GOD has been amazing.

The learning began after I started reading some books about seeing and moving in the spiritual realm. I’ve always wanted to be able to move in the spiritual realm through the power of the Holy Spirit, and as I’ve read the Gospels and the Book of Acts I’ve become convinced that God wants to move in signs and wonders — through prophecy, healing, casting out of demons, and through the gifts of the Spirit. For as long as I’ve been a Christian I have longed for God to teach me to move and minister in this way, but each time I started exploring this in my own faith I would be overcome by terrifying fear. Fear of Satan, demons, and the possibility of their possession of me. It was crippling. When I’d pray I would have this sense of something malevolent in the room. When I’d take my dog out to the toilet at night I was terrified of coming face-to-face with something demonic or a person influenced by the demonic. When I went to bed at night I would cover my head with the blanket because it felt like I was surrounded by more than simply the darkness of night. It felt like I was surrounded by a spiritual darkness, and sometimes even seeing demonic faces hovering in front of my closed eyelids. When fear came over me at night my heart would shrivel up and I would curl up into the foetal position under my doona. I couldn’t sleep and I never felt safe.

As a child my mother had taught me that if I ever experienced something evil or was afraid then all I needed to do was to call on the name of Jesus and he would fight for me. And so I did, but it didn’t seem to work. The fear kept coming. I felt utterly helpless. I felt captive to this fear.

When I had experienced this previously I’d eventually get to a place where I just had to shut it out, but that also meant that I shut down my growing ability to see and move in the spiritual realm through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Over and over I went through this cycle as I sought to try and grow in my ability to move in the spiritual realm more fully, but each time the experience of fear would stop me.

Recently I decided to try and step into that space again. The fear came back with an intensity like I’d never experienced. But I was now in a place where I was determined to conquer it. I didn’t want to keep living like this. On the recommendation from a friend I started reading two amazing and life changing books – Visions Beyond the Veil by H.A. Baker and The Veil by Blake K Healy. As I delved into these books I came to realise that the reason I was so overcome by fear was because I had an underdeveloped understanding of my identity in Christ. I had never fully come to appreciate and own the fact that I am a child of the Most High God, and therefore Satan and his minions have no claim or power over me. They wanted me to believe they did, hence they used fear to try to overwhelm me and prevent me from learning how to step into the potential that I have in Christ, but I’ve come to realise that it was all smoke and mirrors.

At the same time my friend (the same friend who recommended the books) told me that in order to step into our identity in Christ we have to first reject the false identities that Satan desires us to live in. He plants these false identities in our minds through negative experiences and memories, encouraging us to believe them and take them on as definitions of who we are. Satan does this because he wants to stop us from growing into the people God wants, and has planned for us to be. For me, one of those false identities was the belief that I was a failure. There was the lie that I was a failure because I was always sinning, the lie that I was a failure because I am unable to give my husband children, and more recently the lie that I was failure because I had wasted time trying to have children instead of pursuing God’s ministry.

As I spent time with God, asking Him to show me and teach me about my identity in Christ I was able to shed these false identities, and step into my true identity as a daughter of the Most High King. I realised that I truly am loved and adored. I realised that I have been given God’s authority. I realised I have nothing to fear.

And the freedom has been UH-MAZING! My prayer life is joyful and I sense loving energy flowing in the room again. I’m not afraid to walk my dog out at night. I’m sleeping again (with my head above the doonas!). I’d heard it before, but now I’ve come to realise on a deeper level that God is love, and there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). God is my protector and shield, and because I am his beloved daughter I have no reason to fear. For as the Apostle Paul said, “… nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love” (Romans 8:38).

Laying A Solid Foundation

Sky Scraper

Recently I was having a day where I felt terribly discouraged by the reality of what lay before me: three and a half more years of theological study after the four that I had just completed. I felt trapped and frustrated by the lack of options and opportunities before me. I truly could not comprehend why God had me in this situation, and how I was going to find the motivation to keep going. I personally felt that I was ready to step into the plans that the Lord has for me, and I couldn’t understand why He was making me wait for such a long time!

The next day I was having a coffee with a new friend and she unknowingly spoke into this secret frustration of mine. She said, ‘Rose it doesn’t take much foundation to build a chicken coop, but to build a mighty Sky Scraper you need a very solid and deep foundation. It takes time, and a lot of effort to build that type of foundation. You are a sky scraper and God is building a solid foundation on which you are to stand.’ Those encouraging words brought so much hope to my situation, and in that moment I could see that it was God’s plan for me to have this extended period of study and learning, and that He has me right where He wants me. I realised that He wants to set me on a deep and solid foundation so that I can succeed and prosper in the work He has for me.

Think about a chicken coop: it’s relatively easy to build and it doesn’t need much foundation to stand, but if hit by a storm, a tornado, or a flood it will not stand against the stress nor will it protect ones it was built to look after. A sky scraper on the other hand needs designing, crafting, and it needs to be built down deep before it can start to stand tall. It requires an investment of time and hard work. It requires commitment. But once the job is done is can stand against the storms, the floods and the tornados. It brings glory to its maker and upholds those for whom it has been built to serve and protect. A sky scraper leaves a long lasting legacy.

I’ve decided that I want to be a sky scraper rather than a chicken coop, and therefore I realise that it is not good for me to run ahead of God’s timing and the work He wants to do in me. He wants to set me on a solid and deep foundation so that I can stand tall, and won’t be crushed when the storms, and winds hit. I now have a new appreciation for the study ahead of me, and I know that if I walk in God’s will and timing I will become the sky scraper that He wants me to be.

So I ask you, do you want to be a chicken coop or a sky scraper? Sometimes it feels like the situation we are in is hopeless and it’s tempting to short-cut, or run ahead of God’s timing. We might feel that we are ready for the plans God has for us, and we don’t want to wait any longer. But it is important to recognise that God is for us, He wants us to succeed in His plans for us. That often means that God first wants to build a solid and deep foundation in us. So if you’re feeling how I have been feeling recently I encourage you to trust God and His timing. He knows what He is doing. He doesn’t want you to be crushed by the weight of His plans for you, He wants you to stand tall. He wants you to be a Sky Scraper.

I’m stepping out of the Boat

boatA little over 14 months ago my husband and I packed up our house, our dog, and our dreams to have a family in Australia, and we moved to the U.S. It had become very clear that God was saying, What you’ve been dreaming about is a good dream, but I’ve got a bigger and better dream for you. So 2014 was a year of new beginnings. A new country, new house, new school, new church, and new friends.

It was an amazing year. I grew so much at school, each semester I was blown away by what I was learning and absorbing. I got involved in ministries at church that I never thought I would be involved in. I started to get the opportunity to preach, which has been a dream of mine since I was 16. I went on my first mission trip and built houses in Mexico for under-privileged families. I got to see country music bands that my husband and I had dreamed about seeing for years, but never thought we would. I started running again. 2014 was a great year…

And then 2015 started and the Holy Spirit said to me, Don’t settle – 2014 was a great year but the journey has just begun and I’ve got so much more for you!

And I thought, More… really? You are going to top 2014?

But over and over the Lord continues to say to me, Don’t Settle. And as the year has progressed my eyes have begun to see a glimpse of what He has in store. Dreams that I have had for as long as I can remember are going to become reality. But in all honesty I am scared, and not just a little scared… a lot scared. Its big and I know I don’t have the capacity or the power in me to do make this happen on my own. But I can’t ignore His command. God is calling me to be courageous and step out of the boat so I can walk on water just like Peter did in Matthew 14:22-33.  Its probably no coincidence that I have “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail” by Hillsong United on constant replay in my head… literally all the time!

All of this reminds me of a quote, which says, “Peter was not a failure because he looked down and began to sink. If anyone failed, it was the 11 who stayed in the boat, waiting to see if it could be done!”

I’ve let fear stop me for so long now… even with my blog posts. I’ve been so scared that I don’t have anything meaningful or inspiring to say that I’d rather say nothing at all than fail. But God doesn’t want me to be operating out of fear. He is a God of love and wants me to grow. He is calling me to be courageous and so that’s what I’m going to do, starting with this blog post. I’m not writing for you, I’m writing for me. I’m writing to be obedient to God’s command to step out of the boat. I’m stepping out… 

And If I sink I trust that God is going to save me. He always does and He always will.

Rediscovering Play

I watch this video and I can’t help but smile: it’s of my dog – Koby – chasing bubbles made by some girls down on La Jolla beach. What I love about Koby, and animals in general, is that they are wholeheartedly present in every moment, and will find joy in even the simplest of things. Koby wears his heart on his sleeve, and when he is having fun you can see it written all over his face. 

Watching Koby reminds me of how important it is to have fun and to play, for physical, emotional and mental health. It can be easy to forget about fun when life gets hard, when work pressures build up, painful emotions catch you off guard, family responsibilities become monotonous or boredom sets in, but without fun the tough parts of life can overwhelm us. We need to find activities that energise and renew the mind, body and soul. Activities and experiences that make us blissfully happy; this is what I am talking about when I use the words “fun” and “play.”

My husband, Chris, likes to remind me that even Jesus would have had fun while he was here on earth. Chris likes to think that there was probably a moment when Jesus was having a drink of milk and got caught off guard by a funny joke made by one of the disciples, which caused milk to spurt out his nose! I think Chris is right, because if Jesus was fully human then he would have experienced playful moments as well as tough times in life.

So I want to encourage you, that if you’re not having fun on a regular basis to consider scheduling it into your day. Think about it… we schedule in dentist appointments, meetings with clients, and weekly food shopping, so why shouldn’t we look to schedule in fun? Why shouldn’t we prioritise play?

Each one of us needs to make fun and play a priority – for our own sanity. And yet I think fun and play looks different for everyone, therefore it’s important to find the things that are fun for you. For instance, an extrovert might find fun in playing paintball with a group of friends, while an introvert might find reading a book on the porch more fun. Someone passionate about the outdoors might enjoy mountain biking, whereas someone who prefers the indoors might be more inclined to knit a sweater for fun. I think it is important for each of us to figure out what is fun for us personally, and then make sure we do those things regularly! I know that I have definitely rediscovered fun since moving to San Diego. Not that I never had fun back in Canberra, but now I find myself actively seeking out those things that I enjoy doing and doing more of them. Those moments of fun sustain me when life gets hard or overwhelming. Well, fun… and the LORD of course!

RM xx

P.S. Check out this TED Talk for some scientific research on the importance of Play : Click here

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